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Dear John: Weird Things Men Do When They Think They’re Alone

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

 

What’s your problem? Write to John at dearjohn@golocalprov.com.

Dear John,

What I’m about to describe makes me so nauseous I feel like I’m going to be sick. So, if you have the same reaction, sorry! I have been dating a new guy for a few months. Things are going well. I don’t know how serious it’s going to be (maybe not very, now) but I like him and we have fun together. Well, we go to the beach a lot and he got a bad sunburn. Days later, I happened to be in the kitchen – he thought I was in another part of the house – and I happened to look up and see him in the next room peel a good size piece of skin from his shoulder and EAT IT! The image still makes me shudder – literally sick to my stomach. I quietly left the room and went into the bathroom to compose myself. I wanted to ask him what on earth he was doing, but I didn’t want to embarrass him. Is this normal?? I haven’t had one interaction with him since that time when I wasn’t picturing his hand going to his mouth in slow motion with a big piece of skin in it! Sooooo gross! So like I said, is this normal? Is it a guy thing? Should I just fess up and tell him what I saw? I feel like that image is burned into my brain!

Signed,

Cannibal’s Friend

Dear Cannibal’s Friend,

I don’t think it’s uncommon for people to do weird bodily things when they’re alone – or think they are. And I suspect that yes, it’s probably more a guy thing, guys being the grosser sex. I’d say (barring some kind of compulsion, of course) it’s perfectly normal. I think you can see it as an extreme, revolting version of biting his fingernails. I don’t see what good can come of telling him what you saw. It will only serve to embarrass him. He thought he was alone. As long as he doesn’t do something like that among other people, I’d try to forget about it. And stay out of the sun.

 

Dear John,

I think my best friend must be having an affair. The other night my phone rang. It was her. It quickly became clear she did not mean to call me, though. I could hear her and a guy having an explicit sexual conversation. (Although I could not hear his part of the conversation very well, I could fill in the blanks.) She had called me earlier in the day, so I can only assume she “butt-dialed” me – sat on her phone or somehow called me without intending to.

I don’t know what I should do. We’re very close and we share just about everything, but I’m not surprised she wouldn’t tell me this. Her husband and mine are good friends and all of us socialize with each other all the time. I want to come up with an innocent explanation but I can’t. Should I just ask her straight up what’s going on?

Sincerely,

Bad Call

Dear Bad Call,

Ordinarily I’d say to mind your own business, but that’s what you were doing when she accidentally called you. This upsetting information was foisted on you through no fault of your own, so I think it’s fair to ask for an explanation. I’ve heard of this same thing happening many times and I’ve experienced it myself. With a little bad luck, it’s frightening how wrong it can go.

 

Dear John,

Please weigh in on a disagreement between my wife and me. We have been happily married for almost 15 years, and we have an 11-year-old son. Raising him has been a pleasure – he’s a fantastic kid, and my wife and I have been on the same page since the day he was born. This is the first issue. Because now that he’s old enough to do more things, my wife is having more and more fears about the perils that lurk out in the world. For example, he wants to go to a summer camp that has one sleepover night, but my wife won’t hear of it because of generalized fears of pedophiles preying on kids at camps – the “perfect opportunity,” according to her. I don’t know where this is all coming from. It’s a bit of a surprise as she has not been an overly nervous or worried parent thus far. Nothing has happened in our lives to account for this anxiety. I’d appreciate your thoughts.

Sincerely,

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

Accepting a child’s increasing autonomy can be a challenge for any parent, and it sounds like your wife is having an especially hard time with it. Of course, parents have to be cautious, but there comes a time when we have to be satisfied that we’ve taken all reasonable precautions, let go, and hope for the best. The worst thing about what your wife is doing, albeit with the best intentions, is teaching your son to fear the world around him. Beyond whether or not he goes to summer camp, the ramifications of that could be with him his entire life.

As you have probably learned, rational responses (like talking to other parents about their experiences with this camp) don’t assuage these apparently baseless fears. I would talk with your wife about it. Let her know you’re worried that her fears are going to not only deprive your son of fun kid experiences but affect how he relates to the world as an adult, too. Try to ease things along – for example, has he ever slept at a friend’s house? Does he have a friend whose family is trustworthy enough to take this step with? The loss of parental control as kids grow is something that takes getting used to, and perhaps small steps will reassure your wife that things will still be okay even if she’s not in control of a situation. If she is adamant that these experiences aren’t worth the “risk,” though, I would urge you to explore family counseling, both for your son’s well-being and your wife’s. Fearful is no way to go through life.

 

John is a middle-aged family man from Providence, Rhode Island. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at dearjohn@golocalprov.com . He's away from the advice desk this week, so he's chosen some of his favorite letters from previous columns to share.


Related Slideshow:
13 Biggest Music Stories in RI in 2013

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13. Macauley + Carlton

Local music legend John Macauley of Deer Tick, and world renowned singer-songwriter Vanessa Carlton came to Providence in January to headline a show to benefit The Institute for the Study and Practice of Nonviolence.

Here is music critic Rob Duguay's review of the show:

This past Saturday at the upstairs stage of The Columbus Theatre on Broadway in the heart of the West End of Providence, a magnificent display of music took place to benefit The Institute for the Study and Practice of Nonviolence. Deer Tick's John McCauley & Ian O'Neil, Vanessa Carlton, Smoota and Caroline Hecht were on a star-studded bill for an experience that was guaranteed to be a memorable one. It's always great when talented people come together for a worthy cause, and in this day and age this was needed more than ever. Read More

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12. Carolina Choc Drops

Bringing an eclectic mixture of Piedmont blues, country, ragtime jazz, and traditional folk, the Carolina Chocolate Drops came into town to headline a Sunday night show at Lupo's Heartbreak Hotel in April.

GoLocal Music Critic was there for the show, and he claimed this to be one of the best shows he attended in 2013:

Class was in session Sunday night at Lupo’s as theCarolina Chocolate Drops provided a crash course in traditional African American music. Their style, which fuses Piedmont Blues, jug band country, ragtime jazz and traditional folk, delighted the crowd. Sounding straight out of a juke joint in Mississippi, (or North Carolina, where the band hails from), their music is infectious. Read More

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11. Artistic Explosion

Featuring some of the best local acts from all different genres, GoLocal music critic Rob Duguay organized the first annual Artistic Explosion Music Festival, a week-long multi-venue show to raise money for Girls Rock! and the Rhode Island Music Educators Association. 

By all counts, the event was a tremendous success.

Read more about the event here

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10. 24 Hour Music Project

For the second straight year, Kim "Giggles" Madden put together Providence's 24 Hour Music Project benefit. This year, all proceeds from the event and concert went to benefit music education in Rhode Island's public schools.

Rob Duguay was on hand for the CD release party in October:

One of the most inspiring things I've encountered in Providence is the 24 Hour Music Project. Started by Kim "Giggles" Madden last year, a star-studded compilation album of the Creative Capital's finest musicians benefits victims of domestic violence. This time around, another album was made to benefit music education in public schools, another noble cause with an ensemble cast of local musical talents. On Sunday at The Spot, the release of the second 24 Hour Music Project album was celebrated with an amazing show that had Dan Dodd, Dylan Sevey & The Gentlemen, Wake and Baker, P. Lowe, Galactic Alliance and Resin ED jammin' on two stages. There's no better way to spend your Sunday than supporting a great cause, and the Spot was the prime destination to do just that. Read More

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9. Colexico at The Met

Tuscon Arizona's Colexico, according to GoLocal music critic Ken Abrams, sounds like "a Tex-Mex meal - you don’t always know exactly what’s in it, but it tastes delicious."

Well, Colexico paid a visit to the Ocean State in June, and Abrams was in the crowd for the festivities. 

Read Ken Abrams' Review Here

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8. Buddy Guy

Since Park Theatre massive renovation and reopening, the Cranston venue has become a great spot for live music in Rhode Island, and have drawn some very impressive names. 

In October, blues legend Buddy Guy stopped by, and music critic Ken Abrams was there: 

Last Friday night at the Park Theatre, the nation’s leading ambassador of the Blues made a triumphant stop in Rhode Island. For the second consecutive year, Buddy Guy filled the Park to its 1006-seat capacity, a rare feat for a performer labeled a “Blues” artist. Before the night ended, it was clear why – he is one of the finest performers on tour today. Read More

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7. The Temptaions

Legendary Detroit Motown band, the Temptations stopped by Cranston's Park Theatre in December, bringing with them their classics. 

Music critic Ken Abrams was front and center for this once-in-a-lifetime R&B experience:

A warm welcome greeted The Temptations Sunday night in Cranston as the Park Theatre hosted a sold out show by the legendary Detroit band. The award winning R&B group thrilled those in attendance with classic hits along with some new songs. Read More

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6. Chris Cornell

Legendary Seattle grunge rocker Chris Cornell is known for rocking hard with Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, Audioslave, and Pearl Jam; but when he came into Providence in November, he left the wires behind for an acoustic show on the newly-renovated stage at The Vets:

Normally, one would think of Chris Cornell as the vocalist who can peel the paint off walls with Seattle legends Soundgarden, but recently he's been doing a solo acoustic tour that's been getting a lot of attention. This past Tuesday he made a stop at The Veterans Memorial Auditorium for an experience that exuded soothing songs that hit straight to the heart. Bhi Bhiman opened things up as well, it was going to a memorable evening. Chris Cornell at his genuine best, what more could you ask for? Read More

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5. B.B. King

What could be better than a warm summer night in Newport?  How about when you are there to see THE name in Blues, BB King? Well, GoLocal Music criticRob Duguay was lucky enough to be in attendance for this show at the Newport Yachting Center in July:

As a live music fanatic, when I hear that a legend is coming through The Ocean State it's a no-brainer that I have to come check it out. When it's a bluesman like B.B. King performing, saying its a no-brainer is a vast understatement, it's more like a spiritual expedition. The King Of The Blues headlined a fantastic night at The Newport Yachting Center as part of The Sunset Music Series with Providence rocksteady soul group Boo City opening up the show, you knew it was going to be one of the top shows of the summer. The whole time I was here I had to remind myself that one of my favorite musicians of all time in B.B. King as well as pinch myself a few times. The guy is pushing 90 and still tours like he was in his mid-20s and still can strum Lucille better than anybody else, Newport was definitely the hotspot for a once in a lifetime chance to see a musician who will go down as one of the greatest ever. Read More

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4. Bob Dylan at URI

Legendary singer-songwriter, Bob Dylan passed through the Ocean State in April, making a stop at URI's Ryan Center.  GoLocal music critic Ken Abrams made the trek down to South County for the show: 

Bob Dylan’s “Never Ending Tour” rolled into the Ryan Center on Monday night. The band is currently on a college campus swing, and featured a new addition, RI’s own Duke Robillard on lead guitar. Read More

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3. Sir Elton John

A Dunkin Donuts Center crowed was graced by the presence of music royalty in November when Elton John came into Providence for an unforgettable 28-song performance:

Elton John made a triumphant return to Providence Saturday night, making the Dunkin Donuts Center the second stop on his Diving Board Tour. Expectations were high for the near capacity crowd and Sir Elton did not disappoint. He covered a number of hits in his 28 song set, including a full album side from “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.” Read More

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2. The Who

Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend; the remaining members of one of the most highly-celebrated rock and roll supergroup of all-time, the Who, finished up the US leg of their World Tour at the Dunkin Donuts Center in February:

On Tuesday at The Dunkin' Donuts Center in downtown Providence, rock & roll legends The Who rocked the joint for the last show of the United States leg of The Quadrophenia and More Tour that has been sweeping the globe since last year. Opening the night were Los Angeles' rock & roll souls Vintage Trouble and it was bound to be one of the memorable shows in Providence's music history. There are rock bands and then there's The Who, it was very clear that the best way to enjoy the first half of your week was to be at The Dunk on Tuesday. Read More

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1. Newport Festivals

Summer in Newport -- shopping, beaches, sailing, dining, and LIVE MUSIC. Aquidneck Island comes alive when the weather warms up, and once you get beyond Thames Street, music festivals dominate the scene.  In 2013, GoLocal' music critics were on hand for three great music festivals in Newport:

Sunset Music Series- Featuring Chris Isaak and The Doobie Brothers

Celtic Rock Festival- Headlined by the Dropkick Murphy's 

Newport Folk Festival- Featuring Beck, John Macauley, and the Avett Brothers

 
 

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