Dear John: My Best Friend’s Visiting and My Boyfriend Can’t Wait
Tuesday, March 04, 2014
I have my best friend coming to stay with me from California in a month and I should be looking forward it (and I am) but I am dreading it too. Why? Because my boyfriend is probably looking forward to it even more than I am! Ever since he first saw her picture and asked me, “Who’s THAT??” he’s been jokingly obsessed with her – asking me how she’s doing, what she’s been up to, and so forth. Like I said, he’s joking – he’s really a great guy – but now that she’s planning a visit, that gets brought up probably every time we talk or spend time together. And it doesn’t help that she’s the kind of girl that every guy falls instantly in love with – drop dead gorgeous, funny, smart, nice, everything – and I’m ok, but I know I’m not in her league. And now the closer we get to the time when she’ll be here and the more my boyfriend wants to talk about fun things we’ll all do while she’s here, the more insecure I’m getting and the less funny the comments get. I’m not going to, but I’ve actually thought about making up an excuse to cancel the whole thing. I’m not going to, like I said, but I bring it up only to explain how much anxiety this is causing me. She’s my best friend – help!
Dear Third Wheel,
Your problem isn’t your perfect friend, it’s your passive aggressive jerk of a boyfriend. Or maybe he’s not passive aggressive. Maybe he’s just completely oblivious. I can’t really tell. Either way, though, it’s a shame that he is ruining a trip that you should be eagerly anticipating – and it’s still a month away!
I find it hard to believe he is completely unaware of the fact that he’s stoking your insecurities where your friend is concerned. The next time he brings up all the fun the three of you will have – and from the sound of things, that will be within the hour – let him know he may think he’s being funny (passive aggressive people often attempt to disguise their hurtful words as jokes), but there’s really nothing all that hilarious in being made to feel like your boyfriend can’t wait to hang out with your beautiful friend. And since spending most of her visit feeling hurt and/or humiliated wasn’t really what you had in mind, it would probably be best if he found something else to occupy his time while she’s here visiting you. If he pouts about that, claims you’re over-reacting, can’t take a joke, etc., you should at least think about whether he should find something else to occupy his time permanently.
I’m a single guy in his late 30s. My entire adult life I have had a hard time finding women that I was all that interested in. To be completely blunt, a lot of people, men and women, bore me.
When I was in college (quite a while ago now), I learned after graduation that a woman in our circle of friends had been very interested in me without my knowledge. She was kind of on the periphery of my social circle and I guess I just never gave her much thought.
So here we are today and our paths have crossed again – we’re both involved in the same community organization. I hadn’t seen her since our college days, but we recognized each other immediately, and we had a nice getting-reacquainted conversation. I will certainly continue to see her through the meetings of this organization.
All I know about her personal life is that she is married. I have no idea if she’s happily married, if she has a family or what. But I do find her intelligent, attractive and interesting. And she obviously likes me as well, although, it could be due to our shared past and nothing more. So my question is, should I ask her out for a coffee or something so we can really catch up? Because I would like to ask her out for real if she’s not happily married. As I re-read this letter, I know the whole thing sounds kind of rash, I guess, but it’s really not. I’m simply thinking of how infrequently I meet women I’m interested in and I don’t want to miss an opportunity just because she’s married if there’s even a chance her marriage isn’t making her happy.
When You Least Expect It
Dear When You Least Expect It,
You have a hard time meeting girls you’re attracted to. I get it. But this one’s married, so she’s not available. That’s kind of what being married means – one of the things, anyway. Find someone else. Even if her marriage is faltering, all that means is she is in the middle of something that needs her undivided attention to either fix it or end it. If she thought it might be a good idea to date you because, heck, her marriage is falling apart anyway, that’s a bad sign right there. Try not to allow your loneliness to undermine your ability to see clearly. This is a bad idea. Forget it.
Note: A couple of weeks ago, we featured a letter from a woman wondering if it’s wise for a social drinker (her) to be in a serious relationship with a man who is a recovering alcoholic. I encouraged readers who have been in these kinds of relationships to share their perspectives, and I received the following letter in response.
Since you asked, I wanted to respond with my experience regarding this matter. I am a recovering alcoholic and celebrated my 29th year of sobriety earlier this month. My decision to stop drinking is the best decision I've made, but I could not have done it without the support of 12-step programs and my friends like the person who wrote the letter.
In early sobriety, the time period the writer mentions, when I would go out to dinner or socialize with friends, many times that friend wouldn't drink or would ask me if it would be OK if they did. If I had any thoughts about their having a drink, it was more along the lines of why they didn't finish the drink if the glass wasn't empty. To me, that was a concept I couldn't fathom!
If my friends wanted to know about what I was like when I was drinking, I would tell them. With time, my decision to not drink was something that I didn't want to impose on others. The only time I would ask them not to drink was if I was going through a rough time. Most times, however, I would not have to ask – they knew and would not drink. When I celebrated my 20th anniversary of sobriety, I invited my friends to come to Providence and hear me speak and tell my story. It was a moving experience for me and those who had never heard me talk about my past.
In my early sobriety, I did have a brief period of trying to change everyone who drank. With wise advice from my sponsor and friends, I was reminded it's none of my business, my focus should be on me, and if someone asked questions or talked about their drinking, only then should I talk to them about it. That lesson has stayed with me.
I'm not sure of the age of the writer and the guy in question. In my early 20s, my life revolved around bars and parties for socializing, so alcohol was very prevalent. I was 28 when I stopped drinking. Many of the people I socialize with now are social drinkers. If they want to have a drink at dinner or a party, they do. If I'm dating and plan on being intimate, I ask if they could brush their teeth first as I don't want to be exposed to the taste of alcohol. Whether the relationship succeeds or not often depends on issues other than drinking.
I commend the writer for asking some tough questions, and I think the advice given was spot on. I might suggest that the writer attend some Al-Anon meetings and talk to people who are in similar situations. I think that would be helpful and will give the writer people to talk to as the relationship grows and changes, should it continue.
Been There And Still There
Dear Been There And Still There,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your point of view. I forwarded your response to the woman who wrote the original letter, and I’m sure she will appreciate hearing from someone who has first-hand experience with the issues she raised.
John is a middle-aged family man from Providence. If you learn from your mistakes, he’s brilliant. Write to him at email@example.com.
Related Slideshow: 10 Ways to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day
St. Pat’s 5K
If you’re looking for a different way to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, think about participating in the St.Pat’s 5K. The Tour de Patrick includes three 5K races in three different cities. On March 8th the Tour de Patrick hits Providence with the race starting at 11am at the Rhode Island State House. Make sure to register for the race online. After the race, the St. Patrick’s Day Parade starts at 12 pm on Smith Street. For more information, click here.
St. Pat’s 5K: Rhode Island State House, Smith Street, Providence, RI, 02908
Newport St. Patrick’s Day Parade
On March 15th don’t miss your opportunity to be a part of Newport’s 58th annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade. The parade begins at 11 am at Newport City Hall and will include everything from marching bands to clown units. After the parade make sure to check out the alcohol-free St. Patrick’s Day family celebration which will feature bag pipers and Irish step dancers. Entry to this event is free and you’ll have the chance to win giveaways and cash prizes. Click here for more information.
St. Patrick’s Day Parade: 43 Broadway, Newport, RI, 02840
St. Patrick’s Day Family Celebration: The “Hut,” Golden Hill Street, Newport, RI, 02840 (Behind Newport Public Library)
South Boston St. Patrick’s Day Parade
Brought to you by the Allied War Veteran’s Council, South Boston’s one and only St. Patrick’s Day Parade will be held on March 16th. This parade is said to be the second largest parade in the country and is seen on live TV. The parade starts at 1pm. Make sure to check their website for the parade route as well as a list of pubs and bars recommended by the parade commitee. For more details, go here.
St. Patrick’s Day Parade: West Broadway, Boston, MA, 02127
11th Annual Mystic Irish Parade
If you want to keep the Irish spirit alive after St. Patrick’s Day, the 11th Annual Mystic Irish Parade is on March 23rd. This single day celebration has over 2,000 marchers and 30,000 spectators. There will also be decorated floats, Gaelic music, and the famous Irish jig. The parade kicks off at 1pm and is an event you will not want to miss. Keep checking their website for parade route information. Click here for more information.
11th Annual Mystic Irish Parade: Mystic, Connecticut
Harpoon St. Patrick’s Day Festival
St. Patrick’s Day is not a one day celebration, at least not according to the Harpoon St. Patrick’s Day Festival. On Friday March 7th from 5:30 pm to 11 pm (doors close at 9:30 pm) and Saturday March 8th from 2 pm to 9 pm (doors close at 7:30 pm) step inside the largest brewery in Boston and enjoy food venders selling corned beef and cabbage and cash bars featuring Harpoon Celtic Red. Also get ready to dance the Irish jig because both nights feature 4 or more live bands. The coverage charge is $20 at the door (cash only). For more details, visit their website.
Harpoon Brewery: 306 Northern Avenue, Boston, MA, 02210
Greater New Haven St. Patrick’s Day Parade
Connecticut has another great parade on Sunday March 16th in Greater New Haven. This parade which begins at 1:30 pm is a free event and is the largest spectator event in Connecticut. This parade features 3,000 marchers, bag pipers, clowns and marching units, and will be broadcasted on FOX CT. Click here for more details.
St. Patrick’s Day Parade: Derby Avenue and Chapel Street, New Haven, CT, 06511
A Little Bit of Ireland
Described as pure Celtic magic, the A Little Bit of Ireland show on March 15th and 16th at the Reagle Music Theatre is now celebrating its 16th anniversary. As the largest Irish show in New England, this show features Irish tenors, Riverdance, a master Irish comic and a peek at Irish cottage life. There are three shows and tickets start at $35, purchase them online. Visit their website for more information.
Reagle Music Theatre: 617 Lexington Street, Waltham, MA, 02452
One of the best parts about St. Patrick’s Day is of course the corned beef and cabbage dinner. Durgin Park located near Faneuil Hall in Boston is known for its traditional New England corned beef and cabbage dinners so you won’t have to miss out on this Irish tradition. For more information, click here.
Durgin Park: 340 Faneuil Hall Market Place, Boston, MA, 02109
Worcester County St. Patrick’s Parade
The St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Worcester County is a great way to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in Massachusetts and take pride in your Irish- American heritage. The Worcester County St. Patrick’s Parade Committee is a nonprofit organization dedicated to a safe family-oriented parade, which begins March 9th at 12 pm. Click here for details.
St. Patrick’s Parade: Park Avenue, Worcester, 01602
Faneuil Hall is not the only place to enjoy some traditional Irish cuisine, RiRa is a popular Irish pub in Providence that serves some great Irish food including a Guinness stew and house brined corn beef. Make sure to check their website for events, they often feature trivia nights and live music. For more information, visit RiRa online.
RiRa:: 50 Exchange Terrace, Providence, RI, 02903
- Dear John: The Truth Comes Out – He’s A Liar
- Dear John: A Rocky Transition From Girlfriend To Friend
- Dear John: Are Her Feelings More Important Than The Mortgage?
- Dear John: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do (Like, Really Hard)
- Dear John: Coveted By The Neighbor’s Husband
- Dear John: Dear Old Obnoxious Dad
- Dear John: Downcast Colleague
- Dear John: Getting Girlfriend’s Son Off The Couch
- Dear John: Haunted By A Hook-Up
- Dear John: He’s Not Homophobic; He’s Boring-Phobic
- Dear John: His Low Libido Is Bringing Her Down
- Dear John: Is My Dentist Drinking on the Job?
- Dear John: I’ve Changed…Really!
- Dear John: Living – And Loving – On Borrowed Time?
- Dear John: Make Love, Not Noise
- Dear John: My Boyfriend Grosses Me Out!
- Dear John: My Neighbor Is A Pervert
- Dear John: Open Minded About Open Marriage
- Dear John: Relationships 101
- Dear John: Sharing Her Mouth With Her Dog
- Dear John: Should She Leave Her Son With Her Boyfriend?
- Dear John: Suffering for Art
- Dear John: They’re Opposites, But Will They Attract?
- Dear John: When “I Do” Becomes “I Don’t Anymore”
- Dear John: Will Making Her Feel Awful Make Him Feel Better?
- Dear John: “Guys Weekend” Had More Girls, Fewer Clothes
- Dear John: Advice for Rhode Island
- Dear John: Baccalaureate Bacchanal
- Dear John: Breaking Up Is Harder Than He Expected
- Dear John: Dad Wants To GPS-Stalk His Teen Daughter
- Dear John: Deathbed Confession Is Good For Whom, Exactly?
- Dear John: Ending An Affair Much Harder Than Starting It
- Dear John: Getting Pestered to Pose
- Dear John: Haunted By Hook-Up At His Kid’s School’s Drop-Off
- Dear John: He’s Old Enough to Be Her Dad
- Dear John: How Will Boyfriend React To Her Diagnosis?
- Dear John: Is Neighbor a Cat Burglar?
- Dear John: Just Friends Again???
- Dear John: Looking Not So Good
- Dear John: Manipulating People
- Dear John: My Boyfriend Is A Pathological Slob
- Dear John: My Wife Is Obsessed With Photos Of Her First Wedding
- Dear John: Oral Arguments
- Dear John: Remaining A Couple Will Require A Third Person
- Dear John: She Doesn’t Want Him…Until She Can’t Have Him
- Dear John: Should Viagra Make Her Feel Hurt, Happy, or Neither?
- Dear John: Swearing Her Love
- Dear John: This Time, Painkillers Are Causing Pain
- Dear John: When The Only Sex Is Drunk Sex
- Dear John: Will Third Time Be Charm for Cursed Relationship?
- Dear John: A Clean Break With a Messy Past
- Dear John: Agreeing To Marry - Disagreeing About Sex
- Dear John: Bad Dad Wants Back Into Their Lives
- Dear John: But I Liked Her First!
- Dear John: Dad’s Dating Reports Are TMI
- Dear John: Depression Leads to Anxiety
- Dear John: Will I Ever Go On a Date?
- Dear John: Girl Friend Trumps Best Friend
- Dear John: He Likes to Watch. Us.
- Dear John: He’s Slept With Everyone But Her
- Dear John: I Like Him. He Likes Porn.
- Dear John: Is She Just Not Good Enough For Him? Is Anyone?
- Dear John: Just Friends? Probably.
- Dear John: Love Her, Hate Her Kids
- Dear John: Marital Aid Is Anything But
- Dear John: My Boyfriend Overshares Our Intimate Details
- Dear John: My Womanizing Roommate Is After a Girl I Like
- Dear John: Paying for It
- Dear John: Right Number. Wrong Partner.
- Dear John: She Finds Race Exhausting
- Dear John: Sleeping with the Boss
- Dear John: Thankful for Some Advice
- Dear John: Three’s a Crowd. Especially In Bed.
- Dear John: When Your Best Friend’s Advice Simply Doesn’t Measure Up
- Dear John: With His Father Dying, So Are His Chances To Talk
- Dear John: A Colleague Crush
- Dear John: An Affair To Forget
- Dear John: Beach Wear Barely There
- Dear John: Caught Red-Handed. And Red-Faced.
- Dear John: Daddy’s Play Date
- Dear John: Diary of a Wimpy Parent
- Dear John: Ex Boyfriend. Current Boss.
- Dear John: Girlfriend Tired of Second Place
- Dear John: He May Not Like His Ex, But His Mom Still Does
- Dear John: He’s Tolerant. Kind of.
- Dear John: I Think My Boss Is Having An Affair
- Dear John: Is The Problem The Nude Neighbor? Or The Nosy Ones?
- Dear John: Keep Your Pants On
- Dear John: Love Her, Hate Her Rhode Island Accent
- Dear John: Mending Fences
- Dear John: My Boyfriend is Bad at Sex
- Dear John: Never Leave Your Computer Unattended
- Dear John: Playdate Playmate
- Dear John: Right Thing. Wrong Reason.
- Dear John: She Wants Him All To Herself
- Dear John: Smooth as a Baby (Eww)
- Dear John: The Case of the Disappearing Lover
- Dear John: Two Turkeys for Thanksgiving
- Dear John: When the Bathroom is the Family Room
- Dear John: You Again?!?